Why I hate Mother’s Day

Let me start this blog post by making one thing clear, I love my mom. I love my mom more than anything. We may not always agree and we may have our spats, but I love my mom. My mom has had to up put with a lot from me. I have not always been the best daughter. I have done my own thing and unfortunately, sometimes it hurt her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it did. And the amazing thing is, she still loved me. She still cared for me. She still helped me out of more pickles than I care to admit. Through the years she has been the one constant in my life. And I can never be more grateful to her. So, yes, I honored her this year and yes, I sent her a Mother’s Day present – because she deserved it.

But, I still hate Mother’s Day. For me, Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year. Mother’s Day is the reminder of my heart’s desire that will never be fulfilled. Mother’s Day is a reminder that I can never escape the pain. Mother’s Day is a day that no matter what my husband does I end up in tears.

The pain will never go away.

Losing my child was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. The hours sitting in the Emergency Room waiting for the word of what I already knew. I knew my child was gone. I knew I would never hold my baby in my arms. The child I had always dreamed of. The child I dreamed would be growing up with my neice and nephew. The child that would sit at the Christmas tree and dream about presents under the tree as my husband read the Christmas story. The child that would sing in the children’s choir at church. The child that someday would accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. All that vanished in the blink of an eye.

The only thing that has ever come close to that amount of pain was the day that I lost my grandmother. I remember my mother calling and asking to speak to my husband. I knew. He didn’t have to get off the phone, I knew. As soon as he rounded the corner from the kitchen, I fell to the ground and cried in the fetal position for hours. He just held me and let me cry. At the viewing, I couldn’t even go into the room. Hubs and my cousins had to comfort me. I don’t even want to venture to guess what will happen if anything ever happens to my mother.

Every year I think I can handle it. But the reality of the situation is I can’t. I can’t handle the thought of never being a mother. I can’t handle the thought of losing my child. I just can’t. At some point in the day, no matter what happens, I break down. I just come to a crumbling halt. Yesterday’s breakdown started when my husband and I were watching a sermon. The still and the quietness left time for hopes, dreams, and nightmares to come flooding back. After the sermon I was extremely quiet. Just walking around doing household chores trying to stay busy. But, when I finally sat down and my husband asked what was wrong, the flood gates opened.

Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember.

Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember. A day I just want to forget. What I don’t understand is why is Mother’s Day harder than others? The only thing I can come up with is because it is a loss of a dream and it is a day that is celebrated by everyone. You can’t go on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without people posting pictures of their children and husbands wishing their wives a Happy Mother’s Day. And I get it, they want to honor the moms in their life. I get it. But that is not where the pain stops. In some churches you can’t escape sermons meant for good from being a knife jabbed in your heart over and over. And a sermon about motherhood makes perfect sense on Mother’s Day. But for someone who has struggled with infertility and loss for most of her adult life, stick that knife in further.

Mother’s Day is harder than other days and reminders of my baby. My husband and I get sad and stick together on the day our baby was born into heaven. We do the same thing on the day our baby was to be born into our arms. And we conquer those days together. I think the reason those days are easier is because besides our immediate family and our closest friends, very few reminders are out there. I can log onto Facebook and see other things, not a reminder of my loss. If it falls on a Sunday, the likelihood the pastor is speaking on motherhood is slim. But, Mother’s Day is hard because it is everywhere. I can’t escape it. No matter how hard I try. I do try to stay off Facebook, but those posts are still there on Monday. I will see them no matter how hard I try not to.

You may be asking why I am writing this blog. How is it even related to your weight loss journey? I am because I did yesterday what I have been striving for over a year and a half to avoid. I emotionally ate like you would not believe. I had more points in one day than I have had any one day on my journey. I ate and I did not care. I had to feed my emotions yesterday. And yes, that ice cream from Bruster’s made me feel better yesterday. That hamburger from Macado’s with fries yesterday made me feel better. I am not ashamed to say it.

You notice I said I had more points in one day than I have on this entire journey. The thing I did differently was this. I tracked those points. I tracked every bite I ate. And I am going to live with consequences next Saturday. But, I owned it. I owned what I put in my mouth. I owned those feelings I had yesterday. A year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have. I would have just kept on eating bad. Fell off one day, must be a lost cause. That is what I would have told myself a year and a half ago. But, today, I got up. While I am still down, I am not crying every second. I got back in the saddle and I am taking on the world today. Putting one foot in front of the other.

I will conquer my weight issues. I will conquer the feelings of inadequacy. I will conquer the feelings of embarrassment. But, I don’t think I will ever conquer Mother’s Day. I think it will be a day that I die every single year. And that is ok. It’s the fact that I get up and live the other 364 days of the year.

Emotions and Weight

First, I have to say I have the best doctor in the world. I am so excited to have a doctor that actually listens to me, my concerns, and my body.

I have been thinking about my goal weight. Yesterday I told her I was going to want her to help me pick a goal weight. Where I want to end this journey. As I spoke to my doctor yesterday she said something very profound to me and I can’t stop thinking about it. “Weight is an emotional thing.” She said my body is going to pick its goal weight.

Weight is an emotional thing.

As our bodies change, our bodies know where to stop. Our bodies are only going to go so far. Weight is just a number. Doctors, she said, often put too much on that number. They are just one indicator of health. Not the only thing. She said the most important thing for me to do is to eat right, move my body, and be emotionally well and my body will work out the rest. I told her according to WW if my weight was outside what they considered the right goal weight I would need a letter. She reassured me that would not be a problem for her to write.

Continue reading → Emotions and Weight

A New Take on Weight Loss

So, I am nuts. I am. There is no way to say that other than to just speak it. I’m nuts. Why you ask? I am nuts because I am changing what has worked. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith into a brand new world.

Yummy

I am taking my Weight Watchers that I absolutely love and admire and I am turning it on its head. I am going vegan. Or, at least I am going to try and go vegan. And yes, you can be vegan and still do Weight Watchers.

Why am I going vegan? Well, quite frankly I need to test a theory. I have read that veganism can help a number of medical issues. When I research my medical issues, a number of them are said that they can be helped by veganism. So, I figure, I need to try. I need to try and tackle some of these issues in a newer way.

Continue reading → A New Take on Weight Loss

The Coronavirus and Weight Loss

#covid19
STAY HOME!

With the world on lockdown for us in the United States eating healthy has become almost insane. As we sit by the internet, television, or radio we are inundated with bad news. So, what are we to do?

My first suggestion is to obey are leaders who are calling us to stay home. As an immuno-compromised person, let me tell you, the importance of everyone staying home could be lifesaving to me and my best friend. If you don’t, if we catch the virus we can easily die. So please, stay home.

But, how do we lose weight if we are cooped up in the house. Let me be the first to tell you, I am struggling with this myself. In the past two weeks I have gained .6 lbs. I know that is not much, but to me it is. It is a realization that I KNOW I have not done what I should. I have gained it because while trying to preoccupy my time, I forget to eat. Then I gorge on food I know I shouldn’t be eating just to get my points in. Having the hubby run to Taco Bell because the only thing I have eaten all day is a banana and it is 4 p.m. I get it.

Continue reading → The Coronavirus and Weight Loss

I can’t believe I did it!

So I am sorry I haven’t written a lot lately. Been kinda crazy.

First, my doctor has found a medication that will allow me to function! I am no longer in back pain. The question is how long am I allowed to stay on this medication. My leg no longer goes numb. I can sit in a chair for more than 15 minutes without being in excruciating pain. It has been so liberating. 🙂 I am enjoying life so much. As much as I can with the virus capturing the world.

Since I am immunocompromised, I am stuck in the house. My husband has been wonderful. He has gone and gotten all my meds, groceries, etc. He has been the king of all husbands. He has been so supportive. I can’t believe how grateful I am for this wonderful man.

My weight loss hasn’t stalled, but it is not as much as I would like. But, I think that is my body is getting to adjust and I am trying to find a new normal. I am really struggling with eating what I want and still maintaining wonderful health. My doctor’s appointment and counseling appointments were canceled because of the virus. Virtual appointments it is! Got to see if the counselor would be willing to do that, but my doctor’s office is now offering that. So, I am going to take full advantage of it.

Continue reading → I can’t believe I did it!

Heavy laden….

Today when I was reading the Word of the Lord, I came across a passage that took on a new meaning for me today.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Continue reading → Heavy laden….

Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin

More than I would like to realize, I have been comparing myself to others. I compare myself to what they look like, what they do, and who they are. But I am finding that only does one thing. Make me unhappy.

As I travel this journey I’m on, I am coming to the terms of one thing. Happiness is what I make it. Fulfillment of my life is what I make it. Weight loss is not going to make me happy. Weight loss is going to make me healthy. New clothes are not going to make me pretty, improving who I am on the inside is going to make me pretty.

Continue reading → Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin

A Road Less Traveled

I am finding the time during my recovery to sit down and think about my life goals. I am thinking about what I want to be when this journey to health is over. I am thinking about how I want to proceed with my life after all of this. One thing is for certain. The more I think about my hopes and dreams, the more certain I am not the person I want to be. But, I have two choices. I can sit here and wallow in self-pity or I can do something.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” 
– Lao Tzu
Continue reading → A Road Less Traveled

Blue Apron … an unexpected God send

I love to cook. I love spending time in the kitchen preparing meals for my husband. I love spending the time together. But, when I went to my first WW meeting, I was surprised to see that they had paired with Blue Apron and was offering our first two boxes at a reduced rate. I figured, why not? If it is going to make meal prep easier and it is going to be WW Freestyle Friendly, what did I have to lose.

Continue reading → Blue Apron … an unexpected God send

Taking the First Steps!

It’s not a short term diet. It’s a long term lifestyle change.

I did it. I took the step. The very first step ever to take my life back last Friday. With fear and trepidation, I signed up for WW. It was the first time in a long time. The last time I truly was on it, I lost so much weight. But, because of medical needs and emotional needs, my weight came back on over the year. I cried as I signed up knowing that I was where I was all those years ago and I was starting over.

On Saturday, I walked in to the studio workshop for the first time. Shaking, scared, embarrassed. I sat in my car for a moment as everyone was going in and just took a deep breath. I didn’t want to walk in. There were all these people walking in and I felt like such a failure. How could I? I took a deep breath, and did it. I walked in.

Continue reading → Taking the First Steps!