Coming to Reality

Food will always be a temptation.

You know losing weight is one of the hardest things a person can do. The easiest is putting it on. Why is that?

I think a lot about what got me to this place where I had to lose 200 lbs just to get into my healthy weight range. How did I get there? What things transpired in my life to get me to the point of being so overweight? Was it something I did? Was it something I experienced? Was it just that I loved food?

The more that I am on this journey, the more I realize that for me, food wasn’t just for nourishment. Food was my escape from reality. If I wanted to feel good, I made a cake with lots of frosting on it. If I tried to escape the pain that I felt, I would sit down and eat an entire bag of popcorn with mounds of butter.

For someone battling this journey, I needed to find out how to cope with my myriad of emotions. I need to figure out how to deal with things that bother me.

One thing I have found is journaling. It is one of the reasons I created this blog. I need to write my feelings out. I don’t do it on here as much as I would like to, but just sitting down and writing out my feelings gives me a way to express my emotions.

The second thing I have found is a friend to talk with throughout the week. Having a friend to talk to and work out my emotions within a biblical manner is a tremendous help. She has been there on my dark days when I want to crawl under my desk and has been there when I got something exciting too.

Finally, I look for ways to occupy my time. Whether it is picking up a book or playing a game on my tablet, I find ways to distract myself. Without distracting myself, I head straight for the food. It’s a fallacy I need to stop and think about what I am doing. I need to stop thinking about food being my
answer to everything.

When I lost our baby, I turned to food. When we had a lot of stuff going on in our life, I turned to food. I turned to food because it was the only thing that made me feel good. But, when that feeling wore off, I needed to get more food to continue that feeling of fullness and completeness.

My husband is a truck driver. I love him, dearly. He’s had some jobs where he has been gone four weeks at a time. I filled my loneliness with food. I talked on the phone with him while eating. I spoke on the phone with anyone and ate. I needed that food to feel less alone. Anytime I went out with friends instead of going to a museum or something, we went out to eat. What did I get? I usually always got something with fries and a burger. I guarantee you that I put on 50 lbs just eating out with friends and trying to get out instead of sitting in the house alone.

Let me be clear. My husband’s job had nothing to do with my need to lose 200 lbs. My husband’s job had nothing to do with that. It was my lack of understanding of how to deal with the loneliness. Instead of getting involved in things, I would sit around on my rear and watch every tv show I could. I have some that I can quote to you more about than the actual Bible.

That fact is the food was my substitute. Food was my escape. I must find new escapes now. I must find new ways of filling those emotional downs. Food can no longer be my way to feel better. I guarantee you; food will never make me feel as good as puppy kisses and the feeling of success.

Life is Stressful

I was reading through my devotionals this morning and it was a wonderful reminder. I just had to share this.

“Perhaps you are stressed about work, or family, or illness, or maybe you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself this season. Whatever the case may be, what we run to reveals our biggest comforts. Are we comforted in God or in food? Are we comforted in Scripture or in exercise? What do we rely on to heal us and make us feel better, and do those things actually do the trick? As believers, we have a sturdy hope in the Lord. When we run to His Word, we know that we are being fed the truth, and we are given vitality through the truth. Our stressors may not disappear, but the Lord is more powerful than the stress that we experience on this earth.” From Meditations for the Heart: Heart Questions for All of Life

Where do we put our hope when we go through stressful times. Do we turn to food? Do we run to friends or family? Or do we run to the One that can help us.

As I am coming to the close of a study I am doing on the book of Habakkuk, I am reminded of God and His wonderful mercy and grace. The passage I am currently studying is Habakkuk 3:8-16. In this passage the prophet recounts the things that God has done. He references the Exodus, the battle of Gibeon, and the parting of the Red Sea.

Through this he remembers God and what He has done. He remembers the fact that God will protect His people, keep His covenantal promises. More importantly His promises and plan will not fail for our lives. (Even If: A Study of Habakkuk by Kristin Schmucker)

If we know this, why can’t we give Him our stress? He will take it. Why do we always attempt to solve it on our own? When we attempt to solve our stress problem with food, we are only sabotage ourselves. It’s time to hand God the stress and to grab an orange for ourselves.

Why I hate Mother’s Day

Let me start this blog post by making one thing clear, I love my mom. I love my mom more than anything. We may not always agree and we may have our spats, but I love my mom. My mom has had to up put with a lot from me. I have not always been the best daughter. I have done my own thing and unfortunately, sometimes it hurt her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it did. And the amazing thing is, she still loved me. She still cared for me. She still helped me out of more pickles than I care to admit. Through the years she has been the one constant in my life. And I can never be more grateful to her. So, yes, I honored her this year and yes, I sent her a Mother’s Day present – because she deserved it.

But, I still hate Mother’s Day. For me, Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year. Mother’s Day is the reminder of my heart’s desire that will never be fulfilled. Mother’s Day is a reminder that I can never escape the pain. Mother’s Day is a day that no matter what my husband does I end up in tears.

The pain will never go away.

Losing my child was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. The hours sitting in the Emergency Room waiting for the word of what I already knew. I knew my child was gone. I knew I would never hold my baby in my arms. The child I had always dreamed of. The child I dreamed would be growing up with my neice and nephew. The child that would sit at the Christmas tree and dream about presents under the tree as my husband read the Christmas story. The child that would sing in the children’s choir at church. The child that someday would accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. All that vanished in the blink of an eye.

The only thing that has ever come close to that amount of pain was the day that I lost my grandmother. I remember my mother calling and asking to speak to my husband. I knew. He didn’t have to get off the phone, I knew. As soon as he rounded the corner from the kitchen, I fell to the ground and cried in the fetal position for hours. He just held me and let me cry. At the viewing, I couldn’t even go into the room. Hubs and my cousins had to comfort me. I don’t even want to venture to guess what will happen if anything ever happens to my mother.

Every year I think I can handle it. But the reality of the situation is I can’t. I can’t handle the thought of never being a mother. I can’t handle the thought of losing my child. I just can’t. At some point in the day, no matter what happens, I break down. I just come to a crumbling halt. Yesterday’s breakdown started when my husband and I were watching a sermon. The still and the quietness left time for hopes, dreams, and nightmares to come flooding back. After the sermon I was extremely quiet. Just walking around doing household chores trying to stay busy. But, when I finally sat down and my husband asked what was wrong, the flood gates opened.

Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember.

Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember. A day I just want to forget. What I don’t understand is why is Mother’s Day harder than others? The only thing I can come up with is because it is a loss of a dream and it is a day that is celebrated by everyone. You can’t go on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without people posting pictures of their children and husbands wishing their wives a Happy Mother’s Day. And I get it, they want to honor the moms in their life. I get it. But that is not where the pain stops. In some churches you can’t escape sermons meant for good from being a knife jabbed in your heart over and over. And a sermon about motherhood makes perfect sense on Mother’s Day. But for someone who has struggled with infertility and loss for most of her adult life, stick that knife in further.

Mother’s Day is harder than other days and reminders of my baby. My husband and I get sad and stick together on the day our baby was born into heaven. We do the same thing on the day our baby was to be born into our arms. And we conquer those days together. I think the reason those days are easier is because besides our immediate family and our closest friends, very few reminders are out there. I can log onto Facebook and see other things, not a reminder of my loss. If it falls on a Sunday, the likelihood the pastor is speaking on motherhood is slim. But, Mother’s Day is hard because it is everywhere. I can’t escape it. No matter how hard I try. I do try to stay off Facebook, but those posts are still there on Monday. I will see them no matter how hard I try not to.

You may be asking why I am writing this blog. How is it even related to your weight loss journey? I am because I did yesterday what I have been striving for over a year and a half to avoid. I emotionally ate like you would not believe. I had more points in one day than I have had any one day on my journey. I ate and I did not care. I had to feed my emotions yesterday. And yes, that ice cream from Bruster’s made me feel better yesterday. That hamburger from Macado’s with fries yesterday made me feel better. I am not ashamed to say it.

You notice I said I had more points in one day than I have on this entire journey. The thing I did differently was this. I tracked those points. I tracked every bite I ate. And I am going to live with consequences next Saturday. But, I owned it. I owned what I put in my mouth. I owned those feelings I had yesterday. A year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have. I would have just kept on eating bad. Fell off one day, must be a lost cause. That is what I would have told myself a year and a half ago. But, today, I got up. While I am still down, I am not crying every second. I got back in the saddle and I am taking on the world today. Putting one foot in front of the other.

I will conquer my weight issues. I will conquer the feelings of inadequacy. I will conquer the feelings of embarrassment. But, I don’t think I will ever conquer Mother’s Day. I think it will be a day that I die every single year. And that is ok. It’s the fact that I get up and live the other 364 days of the year.

Emotions and Weight

First, I have to say I have the best doctor in the world. I am so excited to have a doctor that actually listens to me, my concerns, and my body.

I have been thinking about my goal weight. Yesterday I told her I was going to want her to help me pick a goal weight. Where I want to end this journey. As I spoke to my doctor yesterday she said something very profound to me and I can’t stop thinking about it. “Weight is an emotional thing.” She said my body is going to pick its goal weight.

Weight is an emotional thing.

As our bodies change, our bodies know where to stop. Our bodies are only going to go so far. Weight is just a number. Doctors, she said, often put too much on that number. They are just one indicator of health. Not the only thing. She said the most important thing for me to do is to eat right, move my body, and be emotionally well and my body will work out the rest. I told her according to WW if my weight was outside what they considered the right goal weight I would need a letter. She reassured me that would not be a problem for her to write.

Continue reading → Emotions and Weight

A New Take on Weight Loss

So, I am nuts. I am. There is no way to say that other than to just speak it. I’m nuts. Why you ask? I am nuts because I am changing what has worked. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith into a brand new world.

Yummy

I am taking my Weight Watchers that I absolutely love and admire and I am turning it on its head. I am going vegan. Or, at least I am going to try and go vegan. And yes, you can be vegan and still do Weight Watchers.

Why am I going vegan? Well, quite frankly I need to test a theory. I have read that veganism can help a number of medical issues. When I research my medical issues, a number of them are said that they can be helped by veganism. So, I figure, I need to try. I need to try and tackle some of these issues in a newer way.

Continue reading → A New Take on Weight Loss

The Coronavirus and Weight Loss

#covid19
STAY HOME!

With the world on lockdown for us in the United States eating healthy has become almost insane. As we sit by the internet, television, or radio we are inundated with bad news. So, what are we to do?

My first suggestion is to obey are leaders who are calling us to stay home. As an immuno-compromised person, let me tell you, the importance of everyone staying home could be lifesaving to me and my best friend. If you don’t, if we catch the virus we can easily die. So please, stay home.

But, how do we lose weight if we are cooped up in the house. Let me be the first to tell you, I am struggling with this myself. In the past two weeks I have gained .6 lbs. I know that is not much, but to me it is. It is a realization that I KNOW I have not done what I should. I have gained it because while trying to preoccupy my time, I forget to eat. Then I gorge on food I know I shouldn’t be eating just to get my points in. Having the hubby run to Taco Bell because the only thing I have eaten all day is a banana and it is 4 p.m. I get it.

Continue reading → The Coronavirus and Weight Loss

I can’t believe I did it!

So I am sorry I haven’t written a lot lately. Been kinda crazy.

First, my doctor has found a medication that will allow me to function! I am no longer in back pain. The question is how long am I allowed to stay on this medication. My leg no longer goes numb. I can sit in a chair for more than 15 minutes without being in excruciating pain. It has been so liberating. 🙂 I am enjoying life so much. As much as I can with the virus capturing the world.

Since I am immunocompromised, I am stuck in the house. My husband has been wonderful. He has gone and gotten all my meds, groceries, etc. He has been the king of all husbands. He has been so supportive. I can’t believe how grateful I am for this wonderful man.

My weight loss hasn’t stalled, but it is not as much as I would like. But, I think that is my body is getting to adjust and I am trying to find a new normal. I am really struggling with eating what I want and still maintaining wonderful health. My doctor’s appointment and counseling appointments were canceled because of the virus. Virtual appointments it is! Got to see if the counselor would be willing to do that, but my doctor’s office is now offering that. So, I am going to take full advantage of it.

Continue reading → I can’t believe I did it!

Heavy laden….

Today when I was reading the Word of the Lord, I came across a passage that took on a new meaning for me today.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Continue reading → Heavy laden….

So, this is the year you are going to do it…

Those pesky New Years Resolutions are here again. We make promises we know we will never keep. Or we make them and don’t have the tools we need to make them succeed. Are you in that boat this year? One of the most common resolutions is to lose weight. The Health and Fitness industry makes millions on us every year. And more importantly, they want us to fail so we spend on our money with them next year.

Happy New Year! It’s time to tackle those pesky resolutions.
Photo by Sumit Rai from Pexels
Continue reading → So, this is the year you are going to do it…

Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin

More than I would like to realize, I have been comparing myself to others. I compare myself to what they look like, what they do, and who they are. But I am finding that only does one thing. Make me unhappy.

As I travel this journey I’m on, I am coming to the terms of one thing. Happiness is what I make it. Fulfillment of my life is what I make it. Weight loss is not going to make me happy. Weight loss is going to make me healthy. New clothes are not going to make me pretty, improving who I am on the inside is going to make me pretty.

Continue reading → Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin