I fail because even after a year and a half of learning skills to deal with my emotions, what do I do? I run to food. I run to things that make me feel good. And darn it, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies do the trick for me. Either that or those milk chocolate covered pretzels. (Oooh, I forgot about that Whatchamacalit in my fridge.)
Why do I sabotage myself? I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to deal with heartbreak and bad news. I still don’t understand why my only coping skill that I know how to use is food.
You know losing weight is one of the hardest things a person can do. The easiest is putting it on. Why is that?
I think a lot about what got me to this place where I had to lose 200 lbs just to get into my healthy weight range. How did I get there? What things transpired in my life to get me to the point of being so overweight? Was it something I did? Was it something I experienced? Was it just that I loved food?
The more that I am on this journey, the more I realize that for me, food wasn’t just for nourishment. Food was my escape from reality. If I wanted to feel good, I made a cake with lots of frosting on it. If I tried to escape the pain that I felt, I would sit down and eat an entire bag of popcorn with mounds of butter.
For someone battling this journey, I needed to find out how to cope with my myriad of emotions. I need to figure out how to deal with things that bother me.
One thing I have found is journaling. It is one of the reasons I created this blog. I need to write my feelings out. I don’t do it on here as much as I would like to, but just sitting down and writing out my feelings gives me a way to express my emotions.
The second thing I have found is a friend to talk with throughout the week. Having a friend to talk to and work out my emotions within a biblical manner is a tremendous help. She has been there on my dark days when I want to crawl under my desk and has been there when I got something exciting too.
Finally, I look for ways to occupy my time. Whether it is picking up a book or playing a game on my tablet, I find ways to distract myself. Without distracting myself, I head straight for the food. It’s a fallacy I need to stop and think about what I am doing. I need to stop thinking about food being my answer to everything.
When I lost our baby, I turned to food. When we had a lot of stuff going on in our life, I turned to food. I turned to food because it was the only thing that made me feel good. But, when that feeling wore off, I needed to get more food to continue that feeling of fullness and completeness.
My husband is a truck driver. I love him, dearly. He’s had some jobs where he has been gone four weeks at a time. I filled my loneliness with food. I talked on the phone with him while eating. I spoke on the phone with anyone and ate. I needed that food to feel less alone. Anytime I went out with friends instead of going to a museum or something, we went out to eat. What did I get? I usually always got something with fries and a burger. I guarantee you that I put on 50 lbs just eating out with friends and trying to get out instead of sitting in the house alone.
Let me be clear. My husband’s job had nothing to do with my need to lose 200 lbs. My husband’s job had nothing to do with that. It was my lack of understanding of how to deal with the loneliness. Instead of getting involved in things, I would sit around on my rear and watch every tv show I could. I have some that I can quote to you more about than the actual Bible.
That fact is the food was my substitute. Food was my escape. I must find new escapes now. I must find new ways of filling those emotional downs. Food can no longer be my way to feel better. I guarantee you; food will never make me feel as good as puppy kisses and the feeling of success.