Purpose in life

Sometimes I sit here and I wonder, why am I even here? Why has God left me here? So often in life I watch people get everything they want, even things that they don’t want and do not care about. I watch children being born to parents that abuse them. I watch people get great paying jobs and know that they did nothing to get them. Yet, here I sit.

Sitting here wondering, why I am here. I will never be the one thing that I have always wanted to be, a mother. I’ve come to realize that now. I can never hold down a job because of my health where we live, I realize that too. So, why am I here?

Before I get the inevitable call from people, I am not suicidal. I am questioning. I am questioning why God left me here. There has to be a purpose. God does not do anything without a reason. I know that. I know that deep to my core. So, I wonder, why am I here?

I do pray a lot and I listen for God’s answer, but I haven’t heard it yet. I haven’t gotten the peace that passes all understanding as to why I am here. I am in school right now, I thought that is where God wanted me but I don’t know. I don’t think so. I even told people before I started I don’t know why God is sending me. I just know He is. But, maybe it was to get me to this point of questioning what the purpose of it is.

I don’t know. I search the Scriptures, my heart, and everything else I can think of to find God’s plan in my life. But, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to find it at this point. My brother and sister are very successful in their careers. My sister has two beautiful kids. My brother has travelled the world and seen exotic things, yet here I sit. I have no known accomplishment but to know how to put on weight fast. Boy, I can tell you how to do that.

I also have more physical ailments than most anyone that I know at my age. And yet, I sit and wonder why my purpose in life is. God, I sure wish you would tell me because I don’t know. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing. Where do you want me? Where do you need me?

Too many times I think people go through life just doing what they want. They don’t search out the will of God in their lives. But, what do you do when you do and God does not tell you? Where are you to go? What am I to think?

I look at my parents, they are highly successful. My mom is definitely successful at playing grandma to my niece and nephew, but here I sit. Not even being able to give my mom what she enjoys. The only kid I ever had was taken away. How do I wrap my head around that?

So what do you do when your life has no purpose? How do you find it? Where do you go?

Depression as a Christian

This post is going to be very very raw. Just because I want to bring awareness to depression and anxiety. I am currently writing an article on what it is like to be a Christian and suffer from both. As I thought about the last month, especially yesterday, I thought I would share the raw with you today. Because yesterday was one of those days that showed the gambit. 

Sometimes in life you get a sucker punch in the gut. That is how I have felt the last month. It’s been extremely rough on me emotionally. Some of y’all know what has been going on, some don’t, but it has been an emotional roller coaster. From moments of sheer bliss to moments I think Jason is literally worried. 

Yesterday, life was fine. Until I received one piece of news – I may be losing one of the links in my chain of support that helps me battle the depression and anxiety. It sent me spiraling to the point I could barely breathe through my tears. My calming mechanisms tried to kick in but they didn’t. I finally sat down next to Jason constantly rocking and crying. He held me and rubbed my back because he knows that calms me down. Jason finally calmed me down enough to be able to take a moment to myself. Jason drew me a bath and I put my peppermint and lavender oils in and I just soaked. 

Jason needed to go pick up a new prescription for my nerve pain. While we were out, he received a call. In that call we found a blessing. The blessing was such that it again sent me into tears, but this time it was tears because I saw God’s grace, mercy, and love. You know the moment I mean when you see God’s hand is in everything and you know you are not on this journey of life alone. That no matter what, you’re loved. 

Last night Jason made me dinner. He made me one of my favorites. Something my WW tracker normally says is Jakie Burgers. He made me homemade fries. (The man can cook.) But, then he just sat with me the rest of the night. I don’t remember what we were even watching on tv to be honest. We sat there and he again rubbed my back so that I could be calm and sleep.

You see depression and anxiety is not from distrust in God or something. It’s that raw real emotion that you get throughout the day. It’s not something to be taken lightly or even blown off. It’s real and it’s here.