Purpose in life

Sometimes I sit here and I wonder, why am I even here? Why has God left me here? So often in life I watch people get everything they want, even things that they don’t want and do not care about. I watch children being born to parents that abuse them. I watch people get great paying jobs and know that they did nothing to get them. Yet, here I sit.

Sitting here wondering, why I am here. I will never be the one thing that I have always wanted to be, a mother. I’ve come to realize that now. I can never hold down a job because of my health where we live, I realize that too. So, why am I here?

Before I get the inevitable call from people, I am not suicidal. I am questioning. I am questioning why God left me here. There has to be a purpose. God does not do anything without a reason. I know that. I know that deep to my core. So, I wonder, why am I here?

I do pray a lot and I listen for God’s answer, but I haven’t heard it yet. I haven’t gotten the peace that passes all understanding as to why I am here. I am in school right now, I thought that is where God wanted me but I don’t know. I don’t think so. I even told people before I started I don’t know why God is sending me. I just know He is. But, maybe it was to get me to this point of questioning what the purpose of it is.

I don’t know. I search the Scriptures, my heart, and everything else I can think of to find God’s plan in my life. But, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to find it at this point. My brother and sister are very successful in their careers. My sister has two beautiful kids. My brother has travelled the world and seen exotic things, yet here I sit. I have no known accomplishment but to know how to put on weight fast. Boy, I can tell you how to do that.

I also have more physical ailments than most anyone that I know at my age. And yet, I sit and wonder why my purpose in life is. God, I sure wish you would tell me because I don’t know. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing. Where do you want me? Where do you need me?

Too many times I think people go through life just doing what they want. They don’t search out the will of God in their lives. But, what do you do when you do and God does not tell you? Where are you to go? What am I to think?

I look at my parents, they are highly successful. My mom is definitely successful at playing grandma to my niece and nephew, but here I sit. Not even being able to give my mom what she enjoys. The only kid I ever had was taken away. How do I wrap my head around that?

So what do you do when your life has no purpose? How do you find it? Where do you go?

Life is Stressful

I was reading through my devotionals this morning and it was a wonderful reminder. I just had to share this.

“Perhaps you are stressed about work, or family, or illness, or maybe you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself this season. Whatever the case may be, what we run to reveals our biggest comforts. Are we comforted in God or in food? Are we comforted in Scripture or in exercise? What do we rely on to heal us and make us feel better, and do those things actually do the trick? As believers, we have a sturdy hope in the Lord. When we run to His Word, we know that we are being fed the truth, and we are given vitality through the truth. Our stressors may not disappear, but the Lord is more powerful than the stress that we experience on this earth.” From Meditations for the Heart: Heart Questions for All of Life

Where do we put our hope when we go through stressful times. Do we turn to food? Do we run to friends or family? Or do we run to the One that can help us.

As I am coming to the close of a study I am doing on the book of Habakkuk, I am reminded of God and His wonderful mercy and grace. The passage I am currently studying is Habakkuk 3:8-16. In this passage the prophet recounts the things that God has done. He references the Exodus, the battle of Gibeon, and the parting of the Red Sea.

Through this he remembers God and what He has done. He remembers the fact that God will protect His people, keep His covenantal promises. More importantly His promises and plan will not fail for our lives. (Even If: A Study of Habakkuk by Kristin Schmucker)

If we know this, why can’t we give Him our stress? He will take it. Why do we always attempt to solve it on our own? When we attempt to solve our stress problem with food, we are only sabotage ourselves. It’s time to hand God the stress and to grab an orange for ourselves.

The Silent Time Bomb

(This blog is a personal blog and my experience. This blog is not a debate. Comments are welcome but hatred is not. All comments must be approved before posting. For those who are going through the same thing, please feel free to share your stories.)

Sitting in the dark, blinds drawn. Every noise outside penetrating through the windows. Every screech. Every howl. Trying to run away but you are stuck. You can’t escape it. Your trapped in the dark. Lonely. Scared. Trembling. Every move you make to try to get out you find yourself going deeper in. Until you realize, you will never escape.

As you walk around in the world, those thoughts fill your mind. A mind you are trapped in. A mind that constantly tells you are not good enough. A mind that tells you that you are alone. A mind that tells you that you are insignificant. A world you walk around in clouded with secrecy and of despair.

This is my life, and this is my battle. It’s my battle every day in my mind. It’s my battle every day telling me I am on my own. This is my clinical depression and anxiety battle I face every day. But…

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Heavy laden….

Today when I was reading the Word of the Lord, I came across a passage that took on a new meaning for me today.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

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Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin

More than I would like to realize, I have been comparing myself to others. I compare myself to what they look like, what they do, and who they are. But I am finding that only does one thing. Make me unhappy.

As I travel this journey I’m on, I am coming to the terms of one thing. Happiness is what I make it. Fulfillment of my life is what I make it. Weight loss is not going to make me happy. Weight loss is going to make me healthy. New clothes are not going to make me pretty, improving who I am on the inside is going to make me pretty.

Continue reading → Fulfillment in One’s Own Skin