In the last 50 days, I have sat down to write this blog a million different ways. I had to take a while to write it because the emotions were too raw. The anger was too real. The pain was too real. In the last 50 days, I have had to take time to process my emotions in a way that I never thought I would have to. And in a way, the time has been good to me. In others, it has been heartbreaking.
On May 25, 2020, I was sitting down writing a blog about race, entitlement, and intolerance. I was writing the blog because of Amy Cooper’s actions in a New York City park. As a white woman who was raised to believe that God created everyone, I was angry that she felt entitled to call the police because the man asked her to put her dog on a leash. I was angry she thought she had the right to treat a black man that way. As I was writing that blog news came across about the brutal murder of George Floyd. I could not believe what I was seeing. Anger swelled within me like it never has before—outrage at the brutal murder of this man who was clearly in custody. I know Floyd’s death occurred on May 24, 2020, but for me, May 25 will go down in history personally. It is the day of my great awakening.
In the last 50 days, I have processed every emotion imaginable. From anger, to grief, to fear, and hatred. Hatred at a system that has let the black community down. Hatred to men and women who believe they are above someone else just because of the color of their skin. I had to process these emotions. Alone. With COVID-19 due to my health, I am still on lockdown. So, how did I deal with them?
I did it in two ways.
- First, I took a step back. I had to deal with these emotions biblically. Hatred is not a Fruit of the Spirit; instead, it is a Fruit of the Flesh. I had to study and pray myself out of these emotions. I realized I can’t make a difference if I hang on to that anger. I can’t make a difference if I hold that evil in my heart. I had to change myself.
- Unfortunately, while I was doing #1, the food became a stress reliever. I went to the food some days to take away the pain of what I was watching on the news. For two weeks, I was glued to the news. The thing is, I wouldn’t always go for the wrong food. I would go for multiple fruit servings a day. I would go for snacks that were low in points, just a lot of them.
I sat back and examined my eating one day. I was stress eating. I was looking for food to fill that sense of peace back into my life. I was looking for that comfort. It was only then that I could gain control of it. And I am, one step at a time.
Being overweight, it is easy to get distracted. It is easy to get side-tracked on this journey. What we need to realize is that we can overcome the pain with things other than food. But, we got to know we are stress-eating before we can stop. I realized it. It was a hard realization after losing more than 100 pounds that I could easily fall back into that stress eating. It is an added reminder that I must keep focused. Not just until I reach my goal weight, but every day of my life. This struggle does not stop when I reach my goal. It’s a new lifestyle. It is a mission I must take seriously the rest of my life.