I apologize for not posting in awhile. The last month has been a whirlwind. It was met with highs and lows but as I sit here thinking about the last month, I can only smile with happiness. For the first time in years, I feel like myself. I feel like I am finally becoming me again. And you know what, I am excited.

In December 2015 after my first two surgeries and after losing 140 lbs, my husband and I were ready to embark on a whirlwind journey to try to have a baby. After 18 years of being told I was too fat and that is why I was not getting pregnant, I finally had a doctor listen to me.

Learning to Love Myself Again

For months we tried fertility drugs and treatments. A side-effect of these treatments was weight gain. Four long months later we were pregnant with our beautiful baby. Unfortunately, that pregnancy was short-lived. But we tried again on the hope that I could indeed get pregnant. That never happened. After two more surgeries and countless bills, I was dealt the devastating blow that I could never have children. By the time this happened with all the fertility drugs, I had gained more than 90 lbs back.

Since that time, we have had a number of hardships in life. We moved and financially struggling, that led to my depression that has lasted for more than three years. I found no joy in life. I was reading my Bible and praying. I went to church and spent time with friends, but nothing helped me come out of my funk. What I see now is that God was sending me on this journey. He was sending me on this journey of self-discovery. Even with all of the heartache, I would do it all over again!

While I started the physical journey only 9-10 weeks ago, my mental journey has been going for awhile. I have been so blessed with wounderful sisters in Christ who have encouraged me and who have been blessing me every day – even if they do not know it. I found happiness in our new church home and I am finding happiness in just being still and listing to the Lord.

25 lbs gone forever

In the 9 weeks since I have restarted my physical journey, I am finding successes in everything I do – not only on the scale. I am now happy where I am. I am beginning to get out of my comfort zone again and become more engaged in society. Not just living the motions. I am looking forward to my daily life again – even if it is just to sit on the deck and rock reading a book.

Quite simply, I am learning to love myself again. And it feels good.

Just an update on my weight loss, I have lost 25 lbs since beginning my journey again. Next goal is in 8.6 lbs!

I can’t promise, but I am going to try and be more regular with my posts. We will see where that gets me.

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