Today as I sit here, I am filled with thoughts of my sweet angel. My little precious baby I love more than life itself. I had planned this day out, but the Lord saw fit to change my plans. I wanted to be busy so I wouldn’t have time to think about my baby. But, God made today a moment to stop and reflect.
Three years ago today, after 18 years of trying to concieve, my husband and I lost our one and only child to miscarriage. Our sweet baby we had longed so much for was gone. We were devastated and heart-broken. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t see a child that I don’t think about my sweet Taylor.
Since that fateful day, every April 17th has been a heartache. My husband and I have always tried to spend the day together and reflect on our beautiful baby. Dreaming of the things we could have done with Taylor. We made Taylor a birthday cake and celebrated the life that we wanted so much.
But, this year was so much different. For one, I am changing my lifestyle and trying to eat right and heal my body from everything it has gone through. So, cake is kind of out of the question. The other issue was this was the first year I am by myself on our child’s heavenly birthday. I thought today would be hard and the thought of spending it by myself was devastating. So, I made plans with a lady from church. But, as my knee is healing and I did to much yesterday, I needed to stay home.
I have been afraid all week that I would gorge on food. As of this writing, I have not done that. I was afraid that I would feed my emotions with food. Make five trips to the McDonald’s and three to the Dairy Queen, just to escape the pain that I have been not wanting to face.
But, God had other plans. I have spent the day taking care of me. I have eaten healthy, scheduled a hair appointment for next week, and taken the time to reflect. I have colored in my new prayer journal and spent some time thinking about what and awesome blessing it is to be a mother – even if my child is no longer here. God gave me the biggest blessing when he made me a mother. And I can never change the outcome, but I can always praise my creator and sustainer for seeing me through.
Today is a success. Today was not as I planned or wanted, but I have survived. I have not cried once. But, I have not filled my face with emotional eating either. It is a win!