In the last 50 days, I have sat down to write this blog a million different ways. I had to take a while to write it because the emotions were too raw. The anger was too real. The pain was too real. In the last 50 days, I have had to take time to process my emotions in a way that I never thought I would have to. And in a way, the time has been good to me. In others, it has been heartbreaking.
On May 25, 2020, I was sitting down writing a blog about race, entitlement, and intolerance. I was writing the blog because of Amy Cooper’s actions in a New York City park. As a white woman who was raised to believe that God created everyone, I was angry that she felt entitled to call the police because the man asked her to put her dog on a leash. I was angry she thought she had the right to treat a black man that way. As I was writing that blog news came across about the brutal murder of George Floyd. I could not believe what I was seeing. Anger swelled within me like it never has before—outrage at the brutal murder of this man who was clearly in custody. I know Floyd’s death occurred on May 24, 2020, but for me, May 25 will go down in history personally. It is the day of my great awakening.Read More
I was reading through my devotionals this morning and it was a wonderful reminder. I just had to share this.
“Perhaps you are stressed about work, or family, or illness, or maybe you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself this season. Whatever the case may be, what we run to reveals our biggest comforts. Are we comforted in God or in food? Are we comforted in Scripture or in exercise? What do we rely on to heal us and make us feel better, and do those things actually do the trick? As believers, we have a sturdy hope in the Lord. When we run to His Word, we know that we are being fed the truth, and we are given vitality through the truth. Our stressors may not disappear, but the Lord is more powerful than the stress that we experience on this earth.” From Meditations for the Heart: Heart Questions for All of Life
Where do we put our hope when we go through stressful times. Do we turn to food? Do we run to friends or family? Or do we run to the One that can help us.
As I am coming to the close of a study I am doing on the book of Habakkuk, I am reminded of God and His wonderful mercy and grace. The passage I am currently studying is Habakkuk 3:8-16. In this passage the prophet recounts the things that God has done. He references the Exodus, the battle of Gibeon, and the parting of the Red Sea.
Through this he remembers God and what He has done. He remembers the fact that God will protect His people, keep His covenantal promises. More importantly His promises and plan will not fail for our lives. (Even If: A Study of Habakkuk by Kristin Schmucker)
If we know this, why can’t we give Him our stress? He will take it. Why do we always attempt to solve it on our own? When we attempt to solve our stress problem with food, we are only sabotage ourselves. It’s time to hand God the stress and to grab an orange for ourselves.
Let me start this blog post by making one thing clear, I love my mom. I love my mom more than anything. We may not always agree and we may have our spats, but I love my mom. My mom has had to up put with a lot from me. I have not always been the best daughter. I have done my own thing and unfortunately, sometimes it hurt her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it did. And the amazing thing is, she still loved me. She still cared for me. She still helped me out of more pickles than I care to admit. Through the years she has been the one constant in my life. And I can never be more grateful to her. So, yes, I honored her this year and yes, I sent her a Mother’s Day present – because she deserved it.
But, I still hate Mother’s Day. For me, Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year. Mother’s Day is the reminder of my heart’s desire that will never be fulfilled. Mother’s Day is a reminder that I can never escape the pain. Mother’s Day is a day that no matter what my husband does I end up in tears.
Losing my child was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. The hours sitting in the Emergency Room waiting for the word of what I already knew. I knew my child was gone. I knew I would never hold my baby in my arms. The child I had always dreamed of. The child I dreamed would be growing up with my neice and nephew. The child that would sit at the Christmas tree and dream about presents under the tree as my husband read the Christmas story. The child that would sing in the children’s choir at church. The child that someday would accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. All that vanished in the blink of an eye.
The only thing that has ever come close to that amount of pain was the day that I lost my grandmother. I remember my mother calling and asking to speak to my husband. I knew. He didn’t have to get off the phone, I knew. As soon as he rounded the corner from the kitchen, I fell to the ground and cried in the fetal position for hours. He just held me and let me cry. At the viewing, I couldn’t even go into the room. Hubs and my cousins had to comfort me. I don’t even want to venture to guess what will happen if anything ever happens to my mother.
Every year I think I can handle it. But the reality of the situation is I can’t. I can’t handle the thought of never being a mother. I can’t handle the thought of losing my child. I just can’t. At some point in the day, no matter what happens, I break down. I just come to a crumbling halt. Yesterday’s breakdown started when my husband and I were watching a sermon. The still and the quietness left time for hopes, dreams, and nightmares to come flooding back. After the sermon I was extremely quiet. Just walking around doing household chores trying to stay busy. But, when I finally sat down and my husband asked what was wrong, the flood gates opened.
Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember.
Yesterday was horrible. A day I don’t want to remember. A day I just want to forget. What I don’t understand is why is Mother’s Day harder than others? The only thing I can come up with is because it is a loss of a dream and it is a day that is celebrated by everyone. You can’t go on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without people posting pictures of their children and husbands wishing their wives a Happy Mother’s Day. And I get it, they want to honor the moms in their life. I get it. But that is not where the pain stops. In some churches you can’t escape sermons meant for good from being a knife jabbed in your heart over and over. And a sermon about motherhood makes perfect sense on Mother’s Day. But for someone who has struggled with infertility and loss for most of her adult life, stick that knife in further.
Mother’s Day is harder than other days and reminders of my baby. My husband and I get sad and stick together on the day our baby was born into heaven. We do the same thing on the day our baby was to be born into our arms. And we conquer those days together. I think the reason those days are easier is because besides our immediate family and our closest friends, very few reminders are out there. I can log onto Facebook and see other things, not a reminder of my loss. If it falls on a Sunday, the likelihood the pastor is speaking on motherhood is slim. But, Mother’s Day is hard because it is everywhere. I can’t escape it. No matter how hard I try. I do try to stay off Facebook, but those posts are still there on Monday. I will see them no matter how hard I try not to.
You may be asking why I am writing this blog. How is it even related to your weight loss journey? I am because I did yesterday what I have been striving for over a year and a half to avoid. I emotionally ate like you would not believe. I had more points in one day than I have had any one day on my journey. I ate and I did not care. I had to feed my emotions yesterday. And yes, that ice cream from Bruster’s made me feel better yesterday. That hamburger from Macado’s with fries yesterday made me feel better. I am not ashamed to say it.
You notice I said I had more points in one day than I have on this entire journey. The thing I did differently was this. I tracked those points. I tracked every bite I ate. And I am going to live with consequences next Saturday. But, I owned it. I owned what I put in my mouth. I owned those feelings I had yesterday. A year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have. I would have just kept on eating bad. Fell off one day, must be a lost cause. That is what I would have told myself a year and a half ago. But, today, I got up. While I am still down, I am not crying every second. I got back in the saddle and I am taking on the world today. Putting one foot in front of the other.
I will conquer my weight issues. I will conquer the feelings of inadequacy. I will conquer the feelings of embarrassment. But, I don’t think I will ever conquer Mother’s Day. I think it will be a day that I die every single year. And that is ok. It’s the fact that I get up and live the other 364 days of the year.
If you told me a few years ago that I would even consider adopting the vegan lifestyle, I would have told you that you were nuttier than a fruitcake. Let alone, love it…
One of the things I always thought was that as a vegan you had to give up so much. You couldn’t have cheese. You couldn’t have eggs. How can you have cookies if you can’t have eggs? Let alone birthday cake. But just because you choose a different way of eating, does not mean you have to forgo anything.
Last week my husband had a milestone birthday. I wanted to celebrate it with him. I wanted to give him anything he wanted and if that meant baking a cake with eggs, I would do it. Surprisingly, he wanted a vegan cake so I could enjoy it as well. I researched and researched and I found two of the most amazing recipes. I made him a vanilla cake with lemon buttercream icing. And he loved it. He doesn’t want another cake.
My breakfast is filled with veggie sausage every morning from Morning Star. Each morning I have been having veggie sausage, toast with jam, and a fruit of my choosing. And, I have been loving it. I won’t eat anything else. I sit here and wonder where it has been all my life. 🙂Read More
First, I have to say I have the best doctor in the world. I am so excited to have a doctor that actually listens to me, my concerns, and my body.
I have been thinking about my goal weight. Yesterday I told her I was going to want her to help me pick a goal weight. Where I want to end this journey. As I spoke to my doctor yesterday she said something very profound to me and I can’t stop thinking about it. “Weight is an emotional thing.” She said my body is going to pick its goal weight.
Weight is an emotional thing.
As our bodies change, our bodies know where to stop. Our bodies are only going to go so far. Weight is just a number. Doctors, she said, often put too much on that number. They are just one indicator of health. Not the only thing. She said the most important thing for me to do is to eat right, move my body, and be emotionally well and my body will work out the rest. I told her according to WW if my weight was outside what they considered the right goal weight I would need a letter. She reassured me that would not be a problem for her to write.Read More
So, I am nuts. I am. There is no way to say that other than to just speak it. I’m nuts. Why you ask? I am nuts because I am changing what has worked. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith into a brand new world.
I am taking my Weight Watchers that I absolutely love and admire and I am turning it on its head. I am going vegan. Or, at least I am going to try and go vegan. And yes, you can be vegan and still do Weight Watchers.
Why am I going vegan? Well, quite frankly I need to test a theory. I have read that veganism can help a number of medical issues. When I research my medical issues, a number of them are said that they can be helped by veganism. So, I figure, I need to try. I need to try and tackle some of these issues in a newer way.Read More
With the world on lockdown for us in the United States eating healthy has become almost insane. As we sit by the internet, television, or radio we are inundated with bad news. So, what are we to do?
My first suggestion is to obey are leaders who are calling us to stay home. As an immuno-compromised person, let me tell you, the importance of everyone staying home could be lifesaving to me and my best friend. If you don’t, if we catch the virus we can easily die. So please, stay home.
But, how do we lose weight if we are cooped up in the house. Let me be the first to tell you, I am struggling with this myself. In the past two weeks I have gained .6 lbs. I know that is not much, but to me it is. It is a realization that I KNOW I have not done what I should. I have gained it because while trying to preoccupy my time, I forget to eat. Then I gorge on food I know I shouldn’t be eating just to get my points in. Having the hubby run to Taco Bell because the only thing I have eaten all day is a banana and it is 4 p.m. I get it.Read More
So I am sorry I haven’t written a lot lately. Been kinda crazy.
First, my doctor has found a medication that will allow me to function! I am no longer in back pain. The question is how long am I allowed to stay on this medication. My leg no longer goes numb. I can sit in a chair for more than 15 minutes without being in excruciating pain. It has been so liberating. 🙂 I am enjoying life so much. As much as I can with the virus capturing the world.
Since I am immunocompromised, I am stuck in the house. My husband has been wonderful. He has gone and gotten all my meds, groceries, etc. He has been the king of all husbands. He has been so supportive. I can’t believe how grateful I am for this wonderful man.
My weight loss hasn’t stalled, but it is not as much as I would like. But, I think that is my body is getting to adjust and I am trying to find a new normal. I am really struggling with eating what I want and still maintaining wonderful health. My doctor’s appointment and counseling appointments were canceled because of the virus. Virtual appointments it is! Got to see if the counselor would be willing to do that, but my doctor’s office is now offering that. So, I am going to take full advantage of it.Read More
Since I started my journey last March, I have had one focus. That focus of getting healthy. Losing weight has always been a goal, but that ultimate goal of being healthy was what kept me going.
Recently, I have fell into that dreaded trap. As I was getting closer and closer to that 100 lb mark I became obsessed with seeing if I was getting closer. If you have ever been on a diet, you know the one I mean. The one where you get on the scale three or four times a day just to see if it has moved. That’s been me. I have been visiting my WW Scale at home far too often.Read More